


First You Get the Test

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [10]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Canon-Typical Violence, Father-Son Relationship, Found Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jedi Training, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Not Really Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 16:28:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12193527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: After what happened on the asteroid, Kanan thinks it's time to find out if Ezra is really meant to be a Jedi.(AU rewrite of Path of the Jedi)





	First You Get the Test

**Author's Note:**

> (warning for: character being temporarily presumed dead; violence toward a child (nothing graphic; canon-typical levels of violence); discussion of past character death; survivor guilt and resulting death wish)
> 
> (title comes from a Terry Pratchett quote; "First you get the test, and then afterward you spend years finding out how you passed it.")

Ezra ran his hand along the stone, still not finding what he was looking for.  According to Kanan, this place was a Jedi temple.  To Ezra, and to any outsider, it just looked like a strange formation of stone.  But Ezra could feel the life inside the stone.  He knew Kanan had brought him to the right place, he just didn’t know how to get inside.

Kanan had warned him not to take too long to find the entrance, telling him the Empire might know about the temple and be watching it.  But it was hard to make his search go quicker when he kept glancing nervously up at the sky and down at the ground, searching for signs of Imperial surveillance.

It also wasn’t so easy when he had to search every inch of the stone himself, searching for the way into the temple.

“Nothing,” he called to Kanan, who was still on the ground.  “No sign of an entrance.  But I know this is the place.  I feel it.”  He sighed in frustration.  “Can't you give me a hint?”

He was almost surprised at himself for asking.  Not long ago, he wouldn’t have dared to ask that question.

“Don’t look,” Kanan told him.  “Listen.  Use the Force to hear the stone and its story.”

Ezra closed his eyes, pressing his hands against the stone.  If he was supposed to listen, why had Kanan told him to _look_ earlier?  He put the question out of his mind and focused on the stone.  He felt something tingle in his palms, growing stronger and stronger the longer he maintained contact.  It almost felt like the stone was trying to tell him something.

“It wants to admit me,” he said as the stone’s intentions -- if stones could _have_ intentions -- became clear to him.  “No, not me.  Us.  Master and padawan.  Together.”

He looked back at Kanan, who stood up with a smile.

“Then together it shall be,” he said.

Ezra walked over to Kanan and stood beside him.  They shared a quick glance at each other before turning their attention back to the stone.  Kanan reached out with one hand.  Ezra hesitated for a moment before doing the same.

“What is it?” Kanan asked him, sensing Ezra’s reluctance.

“What if I’m not really supposed to go in there?” he asked.

“The temple called to you, Ezra,” Kanan told him.  “You’re the one who led us to it.  You’re meant to be here.”

Their minds connected, just like they had on the Stygeon Prime when they’d worked together to open the blast doors.  The two of them, working as a unit, their minds twining together, their strength as individuals made greater when they operated as one.  The stone shifted, twisting around and rising up out of the ground, revealing a door.

“Woah,” Ezra muttered.

“Don’t lose focus,” Kanan told him.  “We don’t want this thing crashing down on us.”

Ezra nodded and followed his master into the temple.

Ezra shivered as he entered the temple.  Not from cold, but from the feeling that there was something else there, observing them.  He saw something out of the corner of his eye and jumped, startled by the shadowed figure on the edge of his vision.  As he turned in its direction, he saw it was a body.

There was a loud grinding sound from above.  Dust and showers of small stones fell around them.  Ezra cringed as the stone slid back into place, burying the door beneath the ground again.

“You lost focus,” Kanan said.

Ezra looked down at the ground, his right hand slowly creeping up his left arm as he failed to hide his embarrassment.  It wasn’t like this was his first dead body, after all.

Kanan gave a short, frustrated sigh.

“We’ll deal with it later,” he said.  He pointed toward another door on the opposite side of the room from the one they’d entered through.

“In here, you’ll have to face your worst fears and overcome them,” he explained.  “And there’s no guarantee of success.”

“Well, I have plenty of faith you’ll keep me on track,” Ezra said.  That nervous feeling was stronger now that they were sealed inside, but he knew he could get through this with Kanan at his side.

“I’m not going with you,” Kanan told him.  “I’ll be right here, with them.”  He gestured to the body Ezra had seen, and another one not far away from it.  “Masters whose padawans never returned.”

“You’re putting your life in my hands?” Ezra asked.

“You put your training in mine,” Kanan said.  Seeing and sensing Ezra’s anxiety, he smiled.

“You’ll do fine,” he said.  “I believe in you.  Are you ready?”

Ezra took a long, slow breath, then nodded and began to turn toward the door.

“Hang on,” Kanan said, stopping Ezra before he could turn away.  “Your lightsaber.”  He held out his hand.  “You won't need it.”

Ezra hesitated for a moment before handing the weapon to Kanan.

“You’ll be okay,” Kanan said.  He put a hand on Ezra’s shoulder and gave it a quick, reassuring squeeze.

Ezra turned away and walked through the door.  He heard the grinding sound of stone against stone behind him and was hit with a sudden realization.  He turned back around.

“Wait,” he called, ducking lower to the ground to keep Kanan in his sight as the door closed.  “What am I looking for?”

“Nothing and everything,” Kanan said.

“That doesn’t help!” Ezra called, dropping to the ground as the opening in the door narrowed to just a few inches.

“I know.”

The door slid shut, separating them before Ezra could hear Kanan’s next words.

“But that’s what my master told me.”

* * *

 

The tunnel he was in should have been dark.  Ezra didn’t see any source of light, but somehow, he _could_ see.  He stood up and began to walk deeper into the temple, his anxiety growing with every step.  There was no turning back now.

After a few minutes, he found himself staring at three tunnels branching off from the one he stood in.  He stared into the darkness of each branch, but could see anything past the first few feet.  He stood there for a moment, rocking slightly on the balls of his feet as he tried to figure out which way to go.  How was he supposed to trust the Force to guide him when he didn’t know what he was supposed to let it guide him toward?

Something floated to the front of his mind, an old rhyme he remembered from when he was a little kid.  It was as good as any other way to choose.  He pointed at each door as he spoke the words to himself.

“Loth-rat, Loth-cat, Loth-wolf, run, pick a path and all is done.”

“Really?” a voice said from behind him.  Ezra jumped.  He hadn’t heard Kanan approaching.

“That’s how your're choosing?” Kanan asked.  “What happened to using the Force?”

“What happened to having faith in me?” Ezra asked as Kanan walked past him toward the tunnel on their left.

“Second thoughts,” Kanan said.  “Fortunately.  Come on.”

Before Ezra even registered how much the words stung, he was already running after Kanan.

Kanan was too far ahead.  Ezra couldn’t keep up, no matter how fast he ran.

“Kanan!” he called as the Jedi turned a corner ahead of him, slipping out of his sight line.  “Slow down!”

“I told you, we might not have much time,” Kanan called back.  “The Empire could --”

Ezra heard the _snap-hiss_ of a lightsaber and a shout of pain.  He sprinted forward, his heart pounding.  As he turned the corner, he stumbled to a halt just feet from a ledge that dropped into crushing, inky-black darkness.

A glowing red light filled the cavern.  The source of it, a lightsaber whose blade was being slowly pulled from Kanan’s side.  Kanan fell to the ground, one had covering his wound.  Standing over him, his face illuminated by the red blade, was Maul.

“No,” Ezra muttered, taking a step backwards.  “How --”

“Did you really think I wouldn’t find you?” Maul asked, stepping over Kanan’s prone form and advancing toward Ezra.  Ezra felt like he was frozen in place.  His head was full of static.  Even if he could have gotten himself to move, he didn’t know what he would do.

“This is over, Ezra,” Maul said.  “You’re coming with me.”

“No!” Kanan had lurched to his feet and stumbled forward, putting himself between Ezra and Maul, his lightsaber in his hand.

“Stay away from him,” he said.  He tried to stand strong, but Ezra could see him shaking with the effort.  Each word he spoke seemed to cause him pain.  His breath was heavy and labored.  He didn’t stand a chance.

Kanan barely got his blade up in time to block a strike that would have taken his head off.  Maul disengaged and attacked again, his blade coming up to stab Kanan through the chest.  Once again, Kanan was just barely able to block.  His injury was slowing him down too much for him to strike back.

As Maul drove Kanan back toward the ledge, his eyes fixed on Ezra.

“Hiding behind the Jedi, Ezra?” Maul taunted.  “I know I taught you better than that.”

“Don’t listen to him!” Kanan said.  “Just stay back!”

That moment of distraction was all Maul needed.  He smiled as his lightsaber slashed through the air, piercing Kanan’s chest.  Kanan cried out, his hand instinctively covering the wound as the red blade was switched off.  Maul barely had to do anything, just give a small push, and Kanan fell over the ledge.

“Kanan, no!” Ezra shouted.  He remembered how to move again and ran toward the ledge, only for Maul to grab his arm and pull him back.

Ezra turned back to face Maul, shoving through the Force, knocking the Zabrak back a few feet.

“I’ll make you pay for that!” he said.  He reached for his lightsaber only to remember that Kanan had taken it and had still had it when he fell.  He was defenseless.

“Will you?” Maul asked, a mocking smile on his face.

Ezra backed away only to find himself against the wall.  He glanced to his right, back down the tunnel that had led him here.  Before he could run, Maul was right in front of him, his hand coming down over Ezra’s throat.  Ezra felt a dull burst of pain as the back of his head hit the wall.

Ezra grabbed Maul’s wrist with both hands, scratching at his skin, but it did nothing.  Ezra pushed with his mind, trying to force Maul away from him, but Maul didn’t budge.

“Give up, Ezra,” Maul said.  “You know you can't hurt me.”

Ezra just dug his nails deeper into Maul’s flesh, trying to pry the crushing hand away from his throat.  Maul only laughed.  He pulled Ezra forward slightly and shoved his head back into the wall.  Ezra gasped in pain, but there was almost no air entering his lungs.

“You are weak, Ezra,” Maul said, his grip on Ezra’s throat tightening.  “You always have been.  The only reason you survived my training is because I was soft on you.”

Ezra’s fury burst out of him, slamming against Maul, finally driving him back.  Ezra barely took the time to gasp for air before he took off running back down the tunnel.

As he turned a corner, everything changed.  He was on the _Ghost_.  The door to the cockpit was open and he could hear two low voices from inside it.

“That darkness is part of him,” he heard Kanan said, his voice tinged with bitter, gray regret.  “He’ll never be able to walk away from it.  He’s just too far gone, and he’s not strong enough to fight it.”

“You said it yourself,” Hera said, sounding almost sad.  “He’s dangerous.  And what happened on the asteroid just proves that’s not going to change.”

“This was a mistake,” Kanan said.  “I’m sorry, Hera.  I brought him here and I put the whole crew at risk.”

“It’s okay,” Hera told him, leaning over and taking one his hands in both of hers.  “You were trying to do the right thing.  You thought you could help him.”

“I don’t know why I ever thought that,” Kanan said bitterly.

“So what do we do now?”

Kanan’s shoulders slumped.  “It’s just not safe for him to stay here,” he said.  “We can find somewhere to just -- he’s a tough kid.  He can survive on his own.”

“I’m sorry, Kanan,” Hera said.  “I know how much you wanted this to work.”

“I knew,” Kanan said quietly.  “Somewhere deep down, I knew it wouldn’t.”  He took a breath, steeling himself, a strong, steady resolve taking hold of him.  “So it’s settled, then,” he said.

“Do you want me to talk to him?” Hera asked.  “I know this can't be easy for you.”

“No,” Kanan said.  “I’m the one who brought him here.  I should be the one to tell him.”

“Don’t bother,” Ezra said, stepping into the doorway.

Kanan and Hera froze, staring at him, then looking back at each other with worried, pained expressions on their faces.  Before either of them could say anything else, Ezra turned on his heel and walked away.  He heard quick footsteps behind him as Hera followed.

“Ezra, wait,” Hera said, putting her hand on his shoulder to stop him.  “I’m sorry you heard that.”

“No,” Ezra said, taking a step back and pulling away from her.  Something in her voice and her touch was _wrong_ and it didn’t take him long to figure out what.  “This isn’t you talking.  I’m not on the _Ghost_.  This isn’t real.”

“What are you talking about?” Hera asked, a worried look on her face.  “Are you feeling okay?”  She reached out with one hand like she was about to check him for a fever.  Ezra stepped back, determined not to let her touch him.  As he did so, he lost his balance, almost falling through the gap where the ladder into the cargo bay was.

“Careful,” Hera said, grabbing his arm to steady him.  Ezra shoved her away, furious at whatever this thing was that had taken Hera’s form.  Without meaning to, he let that anger burst out of him, not just pushing Hera away, but _throwing_ her.  She slammed backwards into the wall.  As she dropped, she fell sideways, tumbling over the railing and falling into the cargo bay.

Ezra felt Kanan behind him as the man came running out of the cockpit and turned to face him.

“What happened?” Kanan asked.  But he didn’t need an answer.  His eyes slid from Ezra to where Hera lay, maybe unconscious, maybe dead.

Kanan grabbed Ezra and slammed him back against the wall.

“What did you _do?!_ ” he shouted.

“I didn’t mean to!” Ezra said.

“Kanan!” Sabine’s voice called from below them.  Kanan looked back over his shoulder.  “She’s breathing, but I can't wake her up!”

Kanan turned back to Ezra, fury in his eyes.  He raised his hand, his fingers curling into a fist.  Ezra shut his eyes as he braced himself for the blow he knew was coming.  But nothing happened.  Slowly, he opened his eyes again.  He was back in the temple.  No, _still_ in the temple.  He’d never left.  He was right.  What he’d just seen -- what he’d just _done_ wasn’t real.

“I knew it,” he muttered.  “I’m in the temple.”

He looked around.  The room he was in had only one door, and it was sealed shut.

“Kanan?” he called.  “Where are you?”

_The flash of a red blade through the air; Kanan falling, being swallowed up by the darkness beneath them._

“No,” Ezra muttered.  “He died.  Maul killed him.”

But what if it was an illusion, just like the _Ghost_ had been?  What if Kanan was still in the temple, waiting for him?

And what if it wasn’t?

If it wasn’t an illusion, then Maul was here, in the temple.  He would be looking for Ezra, and Ezra knew he couldn’t open the temple and escape on his own.  He needed Kanan.  But Kanan was gone.  Ezra was alone.

As the thought crossed his mind, the door in front of him began to slide open, the stone rising up off the ground.  For one brief moment, Ezra felt a flash of hope in his chest.  Maybe he’d been wrong.  Maybe Kanan was alive and had come looking for him.  That spark of hope died as Maul stepped through the door.

“No,” Ezra said, taking a step back and finding himself backed up against a column.

“It’s time for us to leave this place,” Maul said, closing in on Ezra, who shrank back against the stone behind him.

“Stay away from me,” Ezra said, his voice shaking.  As Maul drew closer, Ezra did the only thing he could think of.  He punched, aiming for Maul’s throat.  Before his fist made contact, Maul caught his wrist, his grip tight enough that Ezra could feel the bruises already beginning to form.

“Let me go!” Ezra cried, trying to pull his wrist out of Maul’s grip.

“Stop fighting me, Ezra,” Maul said.  “You know it never works.”

Still Ezra tried to break free, even knowing that what Maul said was true.  Maul grabbed Ezra’s chin with his free hand, forcing Ezra to look up into his eyes.  Ezra’s struggles stopped immediately, his fear freezing him in place.

“Stop this, Ezra,” Maul growled.  “ _Now._   You are coming with me, and you, my apprentice, will face the consequences for betraying your master.”

“You’re not my master,” Ezra said weakly as Maul released his hold on Ezra’s face.

“I _created_ you,” Maul said.  “I built you up from nothing.  You would have been dead within a year if I hadn’t saved you.”

Ezra shook his head.

“You are _mine_ , Ezra.  You always will be.”

“No!” Ezra shouted, wrenching himself out of Maul’s grip.  “I am _not_ your apprentice.  Not anymore.  I am a Jedi, and I am _nothing_ like you.”

For a moment, the room was a painful, deadly quiet as Ezra stood there, backed up against the stone column, cornered, fixing Maul with a defiant, furious glare.  Maul stared back, his eyes holding a calm anger that turned the air around both of them to ice.  Finally, Maul broke the silence.

“If you believe yourself to be a Jedi, then you will die like the rest of them,” he said, igniting the twin blades of his lightsaber.

“I’m not afraid to die,” Ezra said.

The two red blades spun through the air toward Ezra.  He closed his eyes just before they struck.

Something washed over him, like a cool breeze.

Slowly, Ezra opened his eyes.  He was alone.  Maul was gone.  He had never been there in the first place.

* * *

 

Anxiety beat against Kanan’s mind like a steadily rising tide against a stone.  Insistent, unwavering, growing stronger by the second.

“Kid’s taking too long,” Kanan said.  He moved to stand up from where he knelt on the stone floor.

_“Patience, Caleb.”_

Kanan froze.  That voice could have been ripped straight out of his own memories.  Straight out of his nightmares where he still heard her shouting for him to _run._

“No,” he muttered, settling back onto his knees.  “You’re not -- you can't be here.”

_“I am here because you are here, Caleb.”_

The sound of his old name, spoken by _her_ voice felt both like the warm embrace of an old friend and a knife to the heart.  Hearing it, for just a second, he felt like he was her padawan again.  And he felt like he was being ripped in two.

“Please don’t call me that,” he said, the words tumbling out before he even realized he was thinking them, not unlike the way his constant questions when he was a child had sprung from him like they had a life of their own.  “It’s Kanan now.  I’m not -- I can't be that person anymore.”

 _“You never stopped being that person, Kanan_ ,” the voice that couldn’t really be Depa Billaba said _.  “You’ll always be a Jedi.  A different name doesn’t change that.”_

There was a short pause.  She had no physical form that he could see -- and if Kanan was being honest, he was grateful she didn’t -- but if she did, he got the feeling she would be looking at him with that soft, thoughtful look in her eyes that meant she was trying to answer a question burning in her mind.

 _“But something_ has _changed_ ,” she said.  “ _You’ve started down a new path.”_

“I -- I’m training an apprentice.”

He was almost ashamed to say it.  He wasn’t a Master.  He shouldn’t be teaching Ezra.  And Master Billaba of all people knew just how short-lived Kanan’s own training had been.

 _“That is a big step,”_ Master Billaba said.  Her voice gave no indication of what she thought or felt.  “ _Are you certain of your decision to take it?  He grew up surrounded by the Dark Side, and he may never be truly free of it.  He needs the right person to guide him.  Are you sure you can be that?”_

“Sometimes I don’t know,” Kanan admitted, not bothering to ask how she knew about Ezra’s past.  Knowing her, she would only ask him how _he_ thought she knew until he figured it out for himself.  “It’s not because of him.  Ezra is smart and powerful and he’s learning fast and I _know_ he has a good heart.  But he’s lost, and he’s been so badly hurt.  And I don’t know if I can help him.  I’m not a Master, I’m not a mind healer, I’m just --”

_“You are **not** a failure, Kanan.”_

* * *

 

Ezra stood in front of the same three entrances to the tunnels that he had come across before.  He had been led here by a voice, a woman he didn’t know, who hadn’t told him who she was except to say she was a guide.  Now, he stared at the three doors ahead of him, trying not to look down the tunnel on the far left, where he had seen Kanan die.

“Which way is the right way?” he asked.

 _“There’s a better question you could be asking,”_ the voice said.

“I’m sorry,” Ezra said, scuffing at the ground with the toe of one of his boots.  “I don’t understand.  I don’t understand _any_ of this.  I don’t even know what I’m doing here.”

_“I think that’s a question that needs answering before any others.”_

“Kanan said I would be tested,” Ezra said.  “But he never told me why.”

_“Does he need to tell you everything?”_

“Well, no.”

 _“You must choose your own path,”_ the voice said.

“But how do I know which one is the right one?”

_“You don’t.  You make your choice and you face the results, good or bad.”_

Ezra took a breath, steeling himself, and walked down the middle path.

* * *

 

 _“You are more capable than you know, Kanan,”_ Master Billaba said, her voice soft.  “ _Your training may have been cut short, but you have learned so much since then.  I only wish I could have been there to help you.”_

Her words, kind as they were, cut into Kanan like a knife.

“Master, I --” his voice caught in his throat.  “I’m sorry.”

_“You didn’t do anything wrong.”_

“I ran.”

_“You were just a boy, Kanan.  What else could you have done?”_

“I could have fought,” Kanan said.  “I could have died beside you.  Isn’t that how it should have been?”

 _“Do you wish you’d died on Kaller?”_ she asked.

“No,” Kanan said.  “I--I don’t know.”

_“If you had died with me, where would that leave your apprentice?”_

“I didn’t mean --” Kanan cut himself off as he tried to figure out what he was even trying to say.  “It’s just that you shouldn’t have died.  Not for me.”

_“Any Jedi would give their life for their student.  It’s the responsibility we take on when we become masters.”_

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Kanan said.

_“I know.  But it is.”_

* * *

 

Ezra gazed around the room the tunnel had dead-ended in.  It was circular, the ceiling rising so high above him it was lost in shadows.  Light emanated from the walls around him.

 _“Why do you wish to become a Jedi?”_ the voice asked him

Ezra’s hands began to twitch nervously as he realized he didn’t have an answer.

“I guess…I guess because Kanan thinks I can be one,” he said.

_“And what do you think?”_

“I don’t know,” Ezra said.

_“Then why do this?  Why leave your master and the life you knew for so long?”_

Anger flared up in Ezra’s chest.

“Because he -- because I was afraid of him.  Because he hurt me.”

_“If you only wished to free yourself from him, there were other ways.  Why choose such a dangerous path?”_

“Kanan offered to help me,” Ezra said.

 _“But you didn’t have to let him **train** you,”_ the voice said insistently, clearly trying to drive home a point.  _“You could have just gone with him and never tried to become a Jedi.  So why did you?”_

“Because Kanan offered to help me,” Ezra repeated.  “Because I was some kid he didn’t know and he wanted to protect me anyway.  If that’s what it means to be a Jedi, then that’s who I want to be.”

There was silence.  Silence so heavy, it weighed on Ezra’s shoulders.  For a moment, he wondered if he’d given the wrong answer.  Then the voice spoke again.

_“You are walking a difficult path, child.  But one day, you might become a Jedi.”_

* * *

 

Kanan stood up as he heard the door begin to open, relief flooding over him as Ezra emerged, alive and unharmed.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Different,” Ezra said.  “But the same.”

“I know what you mean,” Kanan said.  “What do you say we go home?”

Ezra nodded.

As they left the temple, they turned back and watched as the stone sunk back into the ground.

“It’s strange that it’s just…here,” Ezra said.

“And it will be, for now,” Kanan said.  “And hopefully it’ll still be here long after you and I are gone.”

“Shouldn’t we use it as a base or something?” Ezra asked.  “It wouldn’t be easy for someone to break into.  And who knows what else is in there?”

“I know what’s in there,” Kanan said, putting a hand on Ezra’s shoulder.  “The past.”

**Author's Note:**

> I've always had this headcanon/hypothesis that the voice Kanan and Ezra heard in the temple wasn't really Yoda, but was actually the spirit of the temple itself or the Force manifesting itself through the temple using a voice that would be familiar to Kanan (and on a meta level, familiar to the viewers), so.....I decided to make that change to press some more emotional buttons for everyone


End file.
